Reminders and the untold future…

I was reminded today by one of my friends, my work mom (aka Mama Ware) if you will that it had been awhile since I posted a blog. I had my excuses-I was busy, I was tired, etc. The truth is I have been feeling a little lost. I have allowed this illness to kind of become my identity, and I have lost myself a bit. Pieces of myself like a puzzle cast about, and I am left trying to retrieve them and see if they still fit. I feel so far removed sometimes from who I was, that I fear I won’t get back there. I guess the reason why I haven’t shared anything is because I hadn’t felt very positive, and I will be damned if I fill a blog with negativity.

I looked at the picture of myself taken just over a year ago-smiling, and doing my best Vanna White gesturing to my finish time at the BAA 5K. I initially was met with both sadness and pride. I was fit and strong then. I was a runner! In retrospect that was probably the last race I ran that felt good. I think it was somewhere after that where I started feeling the effects of IgA Nephropathy. I had been treated for pneumonia around the same time, and likely when my autoimmune system went haywire. I could tell my runs were more challenging, and my tolerance was dramatically reduced. I did quite a few races after that 5K including a couple of 10K’s and a half marathon, it just wasn’t the same. I didn’t enjoy it as much, and honestly wasn’t putting the effort in to maintain it. What I am reminded of is the girl who loved to run, or at least enjoyed the hell out of the fact that she could. The fact that I feel so far removed from that girl now, was what made me sad until my sister reminded me that I have a comeback story still left tell. As if she somehow knew I needed to be reminded, my good friend AnnElise posted a picture of me taken a year ago when we took the kids and climbed Blue Hills. Hands hoisted overhead, smiling, and fit-another reminder that I got this!! I did it before! I worked my ass off to lose and maintain major weight loss. Went from a couch potato to someone that could run a half marathon, and complete a Spartan Race. Shook my life to it’s very core and came out the other side stronger physically and mentally. I will do it again!

We all have stories left in us, and the future lays untold. The first step is to not simply allow the future to unfold in front of you, but to help guide it’s direction. The second is to allow it take it’s own form,relax and enjoy the new found places it takes you. If you truly know me, you may be keen to the fact that the latter is far more of a challenge for me. You know when you can’t see the forest for the tress and all. I am gonna work on it though. I am on an interesting path right now, and I don’t want it to mar it with doubt. The truth is people and experiences shape you and change you. If you’re lucky you have a few people who remind you of your strengths and build you up when you need it. Today I am grateful for the reminders from friends, a boyfriend who surprises me with his understanding, and a future left unchecked.