Know your role…

I was born a daughter, a niece, a grandchild,a cousin, and a little sister. Before I had any input these were my first roles. I have added many roles since then, some I chose and others were thrust upon me for better or worse- middle sister, friend, student, shy fat girl, girlfriend, victim, wife, nurse, mom, divorcee, chronic illness sufferer, single mom. Some roles we get to define, but many leave us with no control and often little escape. I have been thinking about the roles we play sometimes. We get so used to our roles that we continue to play them long after they serve us and then to our detriment. 

Without revealing anyone else’s story ,I will provide a little background about where this seed started. We all have those people in our lives with stony exteriors and insurmountable walls. Very rarely allowing you to see the cracks nevermind peek inside. Often the doers in your world. Not able to offer much in the way of emotional support they offer favors, blood, and sweat. We so often get so comfortable with their roles in our life we don’t see when it no longer works for them. I remember a story about one of my favorite emotionally stunted people that involved her having a meltdown as her boyfriend held her until the sobs and tears stopped. At that moment I inquired about what was causing her that much pain, and true to form she brushed it off and I allowed it. So comfortable with the roles that I just accepted that I wouldn’t get anything else out of her had I pushed, that I didn’t push. I didn’t demand to know why she was crying. Maybe the result would have been the same, or maybe it would have opened up to a much needed conversation. I’ll never know if that moment would have turned out differently because we stuck with our roles. 

In many cases it is very important that we stick with our roles; it prevents chaos and offers structure and support. I’m a nurse. My role at work is well defined and important to know where my role ends and another begins. Many of those areas are black and white. I can triage and assist in diagnosing, but I cannot remove your appendix if it’s about to burst. I can question a doctor’s order but at the end of the day it’s not my call. It’s an important distinction. These roles defined by experience, degrees, titles, and knowledge are important. Armed with this knowledge we allow ourselves to trust another person with our lives. We take major life advice from perfect strangers who don’t even know anything about us or our past. We put our confidence in someone in a white coat and stethoscope so easily, imagine if you put that into yourself.

Our roles, often firmly ingrained from an early age. We repeat vicious cycles and model bad relationships and behavior. We allow the voices of our childhood to dictate our lives for decades. We allow ourselves to stay in roles that no longer work for us based on gender, age, culture, and life circumstances. I challenge myself, along with you, to forget about your roles for a moment and just be. Who would you be if no one ever made you doubt yourself? Where would you be if you didn’t allow fear, anger, guilt or shame to dictate your decisions? If you are fortunate enough that you would be in the same place as you are right now congratulations, but the rest of us likely have some work to do. I have many examples both of times I stuck with my role, and others where my role laid dismantled in pieces not meant to be put back together. May you break molds and challenge the status quo. May you discover your strength and beauty in every choice that scares the hell out of you. Finally, may I remind myself of this sentiment when I need to draw on the insubordinate nature of the younger version of myself determined not to be caught in the footholds of conformity. I leave you with one of my favorite poems, even as a kid. It reminds me forge my own path and buck the roles that are no longer working for us.

The Road Not Taken

Two Roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down once as far as could

To where it bent in the undergrowth:

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear:

Though as far that the passing there

Had worn them really the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost