My thoughts exactly...
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Husqvarna frustration, mercy, and peace of mind…
The orange Husqvarna mocks me from the shed, making me feel all at once enraged and pitiful. She sits in pieces refusing to turn over, and I do not know where to start. Lawn out of control, I am determined to at the very least get the front yard done today. Between the weather, the job, and of course the kids, time is always lacking. I have a window of sunny kid free weather. In the back of my shed there sits the old push lawn mower. At one time this red Craftsman ran like a top but now sits faded, self propelled broken long ago, covered in dirt and…
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Reminders and the untold future…
I was reminded today by one of my friends, my work mom (aka Mama Ware) if you will that it had been awhile since I posted a blog. I had my excuses-I was busy, I was tired, etc. The truth is I have been feeling a little lost. I have allowed this illness to kind of become my identity, and I have lost myself a bit. Pieces of myself like a puzzle cast about, and I am left trying to retrieve them and see if they still fit. I feel so far removed sometimes from who I was, that I fear I won’t get back there. I guess the reason…
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It’s ok, to not be fine…
As if no time has passed there you stand old friend. There may be more grey hairs and wrinkles between us, but at last that same smile is same as it ever was. The same goofball things still dissolve us into fits of giggles, bringing me back to the girl I was. We catch up about kids and work. We retell stories. We are mystified by how much time has passed since we saw each other, and vow not to go so long again. We lie! We recite the glossy versions of our lives, like we are reading from a script. We dodge the truths that may bring down the…
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Keep your chin up girl…
Three simple words-I need help. They lay like molasses on my tongue, not wanting to escape my mouth. Fear that once they escape into the universe I will have to give up the shield of independence I carry with me. I don’t believe that this is unique to me, but rather a plague that effects women in general. We don’t ask for help, and we don’t put ourselves first. This has become abundantly clear to me recently, in both myself and some of my favorite women. Why do we do this ladies? I can’t tell you how many projects I have started or attempted to tackle because I didn’t want…
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That wasn’t so bad…
Ok so I did it…I went live! You cannot imaging how hard that was for me to share on facebook, and open myself up like that. Real concern that I was going to perceived as a attention seeking wine-bag left me second guessing myself many times before I hit post. I entered it, deleted it, walked away, texted my sister, re-entered it, and walked away for an absurdly long time to ponder what I was about to do. Finally my sister reminded me that “It’s not porn”, and essentially reminded me to push past my comfort zone and do it. So I did! I shared it on both my site,…
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Going live is scary AF…
So I am not sure exactly what I hope to come of all this. This idea of putting myself out there is overwhelming and scary. I have never been the type of person to jump around and try to be the center of attention. I don’t put my shit on blast to garner support, sympathy, or a attention. So why am I starting a blog you might ask? The short answer is I felt drawn to this idea of sharing my story. I usually write for myself. To work things out and make sense of things beyond me my control. I write from a place of rawness. A few of…
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And we’re off…
So I decided to start a blog. In doing so I can honestly say I have no specific skills or knowledge base from you to truly benefit from. I do have a vast array of specific experiences, however difficult to put together into a neat little blog for your benefit. They list ranges from marriage, failed IVF, adoption, loss of loved ones, divorce, major weight loss, running, and more recently serious illness. Life continues to challenge me in ways that I am still trying to navigate. I write random prose poetry when life inspires or saddens me, some of which I will share. Over my 40 plus years I have…