I was born a daughter, a niece, a grandchild,a cousin, and a little sister. Before I had any input these were my first roles. I have added many roles since then, some I chose and others were thrust upon me for better or worse- middle sister, friend, student, shy fat girl, girlfriend, victim, wife, nurse, mom, divorcee, chronic illness sufferer, single mom. Some roles we get to define, but many leave us with no control and often little escape. I have been thinking about the roles we play sometimes. We get so used to our roles that we continue to play them long after they serve us and then to…

What a difference a year makes. One of the first inquires people I haven’t seen in awhile tend to ask these days is “how are you feeling?”. Far enough away from those moments where I always felt like a bloated cranky tired bitch, that I almost forget how difficult they were. Not exactly where I was before IGA Nephropathy and Prednisone reeked havoc on my life but closer than I was last year. The first picture was me last summer, and the later is me just last month. I remember the moment when my daughter took my phone and snapped the first picture of me. I was sitting in my…

Most days I swear I got this. My family grateful that I am able to work from home even as I wish I could go in, reminding me of the repercussions that Covid-19 would have on someone with stage 3 chronic kidney disease. So I work from home and home school my kids, and man does it suck. For me working from home involves 8 hours of triaging from my basement, all while trying to keep my children focused on getting their assignments done. I have failed, hence my children sitting at the kitchen table on a Saturday catching up on all the things they haven’t done. You would think…

So I got a face book memory the other day reminding me that a year ago I went public with my blog. A year ago I was struggling with a new diagnosis, undergoing treatment that made me feel worse than the disease, and trying to stay positive about the physical changes that were occurring because of it. A year later-my health is stable but, the world is not. This was supposed to be my year, the next chapter starting with a new home and improved health. It’s amazing how much everything has changed in a matter of weeks. Personally speaking my kids and I are starting a new chapter of…

It’s been awhile since I have sat down to write anything. I have spent much of the past year trying to keep my head above water, that I have become leary of anything positive. I have shared so much of the negative things and discussed at length how I have navigated these moments. I have gotten support and encouragement along the way from family, friends, coworkers, and even complete strangers. It seems only fitting that I share the positive, yet something held me back. I think I was afraid I was going to jinx myself. As if I celebrated to much the gods would reign disappointment and regret upon me.…

“The best laid plans of mouse and men often go awry”. Now it’s pretty obvious what Robert Burns meant when he wrote those words, but they never rang more true for me than they have this past week. I have had a a solid week of big disappointments including a misunderstanding with a loved one that took a turn, a offer on a home that wasn’t accepted, and the realization that I have been misdiagnosed and have been being treated incorrectly for the past year. It has been a lot to take in over the past 7 days. By the end of the week I was drained emotionally and physically.…

Somehow I let the entire month of December go by without writing anything. My birthday has come and gone without reflection of how age is a gift to be embraced and not threatened by. Countless holiday celebrations without mention of how special this time of year is because it causes us to pause and appreciate the people and moments that surround us. No rants about materialism and commercialism taking center stage. Amazing, how did you people manage to muddle through without my deep retrospection on all of these things. More importantly how did I? Writing has been such a huge outlet for me this past year, and sharing it has…

As the day winds down my thoughts shift from my full belly, to what the holiday is truly about. The typical lists of things to be thankful include the blessings. Children, family, friends, a warm home, a good job, etc. The things that I have become most thankful for are the moments that test us, because ultimately they make us better. The true strength of a person lies in what they have overcome. I look back at the day that brought me to the ER almost exactly a year ago- severe headache, violently vomiting, with an alarmingly high blood pressure. I was treated and advised to follow up with my…

So let’s face it, there are somethings in our life that we have no control over. We are faced with two options: to reel against it relentlessly as we tire ourselves out, or embrace it and and move forward. I have recently spent some time trying to figure out how I wanted my life to move forward. Faced with the reality that a chronic health condition may never improve, I was forced to really look at what that meant. To evaluate the trajectory I imagined vs the reality of the situation. It was during a conversation with my dad a couple of weeks ago that triggered my most recent self…

The other day I was asked to explain what spirituality meant to me. Caught off guard by this question I failed to come up with a thoughtful response that truly reflected what spirituality means to me. My standard response is that I am not religious, but I am spiritual. With all due respect to my religious friends, I do not identify with one specific religion. I think of the bible as a book, a collection of stories that are a good reference guide on how to live a good life. Although there may be some historical accuracy to the stories, they are simply stories. Stories reported by average human beings…