A Year of Lessons

Somehow I let the entire month of December go by without writing anything. My birthday has come and gone without reflection of how age is a gift to be embraced and not threatened by. Countless holiday celebrations without mention of how special this time of year is because it causes us to pause and appreciate the people and moments that surround us. No rants about materialism and commercialism taking center stage. Amazing, how did you people manage to muddle through without my deep retrospection on all of these things. More importantly how did I? Writing has been such a huge outlet for me this past year, and sharing it has been so rewarding in many ways.

I started this blog earlier in the year when a new diagnosis overwhelmed me. I searched for answers online and was left with lots of new questions along with a sense of dread. I found medical facts, case studies, limited treatment options, and lots of negativity. I wanted something positive and authentic, and what I didn’t find I created. What I didn’t know at the beginning of 2019 is just how many lessons I had yet to learn. This year forced me to slow down, and in the process I found myself. I didn’t even realized that I was lost, but I was. Earlier today I was talking to my daughter about the labels we give people, or even the ones we present the world. I told her that labels can prevent us from really knowing people, and we may be amazed how much we have in common if only we dig a little deeper. I encouraged her to understand an individual, because no person is summed up in a single word. I realize now that I wore my own labels as a cloak, designed to protect and deflect. Not presenting the messy version of my life until a certain level of comfort settled in. Then you might hear about how I lost my shit and yelled at my kids because they were doing some ridiculous thing that kids do. A very select few got full access to my back story. It’s not that I was protecting it, but I wasn’t telling my story to someone that didn’t seem invested in reading it through the end. So this year and this blog has taught me to be authentic. It has taught me that my story, like everyone else’s is important and has value. True lessons come from what we share and learn from others when we aren’t afraid to embrace authenticity, both our own and others.

As we all do every year, I had a birthday, 45 years old. Following the rules of rounding I am closer to 50 than 40, but amazingly that doesn’t really bother me. Time is a privilege, which is denied to many. Embrace your years, embrace your downtime, embrace sunny days, and unexpected adventures. The biggest regret near the end of your days will not include the overtime you didn’t work or the purchases you didn’t make. It will be the moments you missed because you were wrapped up in some bullshit that never really mattered in the first place. It will be the things you didn’t say, and the connections you failed to keep. John Greenleaf Whitter said it best, “of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these ‘it might have been'”. You see, I am a classic over thinker. I look for all the possible scenarios that something is going to end badly and I attempt to circumvent them. In doing so I have ended relationships, talked myself out of doing things I really wanted to do, and placed my life on hold to prevent said disaster. Bubble wrapped and primed for impending dome is no way to live. This year has offered me an interesting perspective. As anyone with a chronic illness will tell you we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. There will be days when you feel great, followed by days where getting out of bed is a struggle. My condition does not come with guidelines mapping out a timeline for progression and expectations. At some point I will need dialysis or a kidney transplant, but that is not a death sentence and more importantly it is not today. The important lesson learned is about the fleeting nature of time and what a gift it really is. Embrace it, because honestly you don’t know when it will end. Delight in the good days, and they will get you through the bad ones.

I have had many highs and lows this past year. I won’t bore you with the full recap, as it is all well documented throughout my blog if you care to explore. This year has given me an appreciation for all things, even the hard ones. The most valuable lessons learned from the darkest places. I am a better mother, nurse, sister, and friend because of them. More importantly I have a clear idea about how my life needs to move forward. No more sitting on my hands and waiting for things to happen. I have a direction, and I am moving towards it. Much of this year has been out of my control, and I was left to make the best of it. I am grateful for the moments that tested my resolve, strengthened my spirit, and allowed me to revel in my own authenticity. Thank you 2019 for the lessons, I will carry them with me.