Oh hello ankles, nice to see you again…

Before I got out of bed this morning I pulled back my covers and saw them with my own two eyes-clearly defined ankles. I almost took a picture to prove they are still there. Knowing that it will not be long before they are filled with fluid and resembling something more sausage like in nature. It doesn’t take long before edema settles in. I showed my sisters my ankles last night, and I was surprised by there shock. It’s strange what becomes our norm. My sister compared them to a Temperpedic mattress, and it is a pretty accurate reference. For those who haven’t slept on one of these mattresses, when you get up it takes awhile for the divot you left with your body to fill in. That is pitting edema, which I have for the majority of my days. In fact, such a problem, the first question of any conversation I have with my kidney specialist is “how’s the swelling?”.

I almost didn’t post anything today because the day was just bad. I swear I woke up needing a nap, and maybe a mood stabilizer. I had kind of planned a day to finish some projects around my house. My daughter has been wanting to rearrange her room, and both the girls rooms needed a good thorough overhaul. I won’t bore you with the mundane list of details surrounding that, but you can imagine what you may find under an 8 year olds bed that hadn’t moved in at least four year. Probably should have invested in a hazmat suit. The other issues were all me. I was tired and cranky, and had to apologize to my kids for snapping at them. I did not bring my A-game today. I run through the possible reasons in my head why today was so bad. My diet, my activities, or any other outside factors. My diet wasn’t perfect, but not terrible. I had a pretty busy weekend, and the multiple medications I am on are still kicking my ass. I believe I have gotten just about every side effect of these medications you can imagine-weight gain, fatigue, acne, moon face, disappearance of my jaw line, bloating, irritability, brain fog, fluid retention, dizziness, forgetfulness, and weight gain. I am aware I mentioned weight gain twice, but it is really pissing me off. I saw a picture of myself taken just yesterday. It was actually the first picture taken of me and my boyfriend, and I just focused on all the negative aspects of me. I didn’t recognize the girl sitting there, so different physically than even a picture taken two months ago. I should have focused on the fact that that this man makes me feel cared for and desired. It’s amazing how easy it is to slip focus to the negative. What I have to accept is that I will have bad days, but I am not meant to stay there for to long.

In conclusion, I should probably apologize, after reviewing my words I recognize that this post is clearly brought to you by Prednisone and fatigue. Just like me today, it’s a little bit all over the place today. I swear tomorrow I will get my shit together, and bring you something concise and poignant. Despite pondering whether I should just delete this in entirety, I am going to leave it here. Let it stand as a reminder that there will be bad days, but I don’t have to carry one into the next. Chin up girl, you got this!