Acceptance as a Pathway to Serenity…

So let’s face it, there are somethings in our life that we have no control over. We are faced with two options: to reel against it relentlessly as we tire ourselves out, or embrace it and and move forward. I have recently spent some time trying to figure out how I wanted my life to move forward. Faced with the reality that a chronic health condition may never improve, I was forced to really look at what that meant. To evaluate the trajectory I imagined vs the reality of the situation. It was during a conversation with my dad a couple of weeks ago that triggered my most recent self evaluation. Our typical conversation these days involve him inquiring about my health, and me listing off the most current lab results and symptoms I am experiencing. During this particular conversation he asked me what else is going on in my life these days. Sadly, I had nothing new to report. My father reminded me that I needed to live my life and do the things I enjoy. In that moment it was exactly what I needed to hear, because I hadn’t been. I realized I hadn’t been living for today, but rather for the day when I felt better or I was back to being myself. I hadn’t planned for the reality that I wasn’t going to ever be that person again. IgA Nephropathy is something I have and always will, but I allowed it be center stage for to long. Autoimmune disease means that severe fatigue will spring up on me without warning, and there will be days where it hurts to get out of bed. Doctor’s appointments and lab visits will always be frequent and routine. Due to the fact that I have an aggressive form of IgA Nephropathy it is not a question of if, but when will I go into kidney failure. I need to get used to living with that reality, even as I continue making every effort to prevent it.

Faced with the acceptance of these facts, I had to figure out what that means to me. Should I rush to make sweeping change, or move forward hoping the good days outnumber the bad and I can continue taking care of everything that I need to. I have little free time. My weekends are often used to catch up on all the chores I wasn’t able to get to during the week. The yard fills up with leaves begging to be raked, the laundry builds up leaving little wardrobe options later in the week, the fridge remains void of varied options for dinner and lunches, and my to do list never quite gets done. It has become obvious that what I am doing now is not working for me. Once I admitted this I was forced to examine my life and figure out what needed to change. I need to simplify. It sounds pretty simple it theory, but it involves scrutinizing yourself and your life. Discarding what is not working, even sometimes the things you don’t want to let go. Looking at your own behaviors and trying to shed what holds you back. Recognizing that the time I spend doing the things I have to do, verse the things I want to do is completely unbalanced. Then trying to figure out how to rectify that. I have some changes in the works that I believe will help get me to a better place. That place will not be void of tribulations, but will make them easier to manage.

We all have things out of our control. You can fight it, fix it, or try to forget it. The fact remains that sometimes we just have to accept it. Acceptance isn’t allowing it to wash over you, it’s allowing it to be part of your life without drowning in it. So as I embrace the adversity that awaits, moving forward with it instead of allowing it to hold me back. There will be days when it overwhelms. There will be moments of frustration where you want to rail against it. Cry and yell if you have to in those moments, and then find away to release it. Trust me, I know it’s not easy. Despite my lack of religion I always do find solace in the serenity prayer. It wasn’t until I googled it recently did I realize that I really did not know the whole prayer. It spoke to me. I haven’t always allowed hardship to act as a pathway to peace, but perhaps the wisdom of my 44 years have finally allowed me to surrender to it. In that I find the calm that centers me as I move through it, ideally with a grace that would not be possible if born of chaos. I leave you with the Serenity Prayer in it’s entirety, may you take from it what you need.

Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr